I just finished my second day at Evergreen Centre for Street Youth. At the moment, I'm not a happy camper. In general, I liked my first day and a half. But after an upsetting incident at lunch and upon starting to work in the health clinic today, I'm starting to face more of a struggle, just between... enjoying working at such a laid-back place, or finding it to be plain disorganized. Evergreen features a drop-in centre on the main floor, where youth come in to have some food and hang out. The staff can approach people just to talk and find out more about them, and play pool or foosball with them. When you go down the stairs, though, you enter a whole different world: there's the Employment Resource Centre, which help kids to find jobs and go through interviews, and counsels them; and the Health Clinic (where I will be), where health professionals offer their services, and some necessities are provided. So I guess it was just a shock going down there today... leaving the relaxed atmosphere of the drop-in centre, and entering the all-too-familiar sterile seat behind the reception desk. Trading in the skylight for glaring fluorescent lights. It's still pretty cool being around the street youth - listening to kids try to shock you with their stories, watching tattooed and pierced guys swoon over babies that are brought in. But I still feel like I'm at work. It's all too familiar.. the clinic, the charts, the exam rooms. Hopefully over the summer it'll become less stiff for me. I'm more used to the whole professional office setting, so I hope I'll warm up to this drop-in clinic soon.
What happened today that brought about my sour mood was the sailing trip. A couple of the staff organized a sailing trip for the youth, just something fun and free for them to enjoy. Obviously all the summer team were quietly teeming with jealousy, because the weather was absolutely gorgeous today, and we were promised lots of perks when we signed on. Derek was getting nervous because no youth were showing up. So near the end of lunch, Rob comes over and says, "Who wants to go sailing?"
Immediately, Steve and Deb jump on it. "Sure!" "I do!" I didn't respond, because I wasn't sure how many people would go, and I didn't want to seem too eager to ditch work. Rob said only one could go.. but in the end, they ended up taking both of them. I was pretty ... frustrated? I guess that's the best way to describe it. At first I was annoyed at the way they just volunteered so readily, I suppose I found it unprofessional. After all, this is a job, and we should be in the drop-in. Anyway when it comes down to it, I was just annoyed at my own reluctance, and inability to stand up for what I want. It was a fair game question - "Who wants to go sailing?" Of course everybody does. I do believe that Steve and Deb just answered honestly, and I made a snap interpretation of it as being overenthusiastic or whatever. And in the end, somebody had to lose out. I guess.. I don't really mind that I didn't get to go. I would've liked to, but... I knew I was supposed to start in the health clinic today.
Ultimately, I think we should have let Mika and Hanna go, since they're not from here, and they are still getting used to the language and aren't really able to interact with people in the drop-in. I feel like I am judging Steve and Deb sometimes, because I know that they are aspiring church leaders - pastor and minister, respectively. So I have to keep that under control.

Today we had chapel, and David shared from a passage in Luke, just after the crucifixion of Jesus. Pastor Ken used the same passage for the Recognize Easter series - the one where Cleopas and ... some other guy... Peter, maybe? They're walking to Emmaus, and their faith is just in shatters because they expected Jesus to be the Messiah and at that point they didn't think He was coming back, so they were in shambles about what they believed. But Jesus comes alongside them on the journey and talks to them, but they don't recognize him. And finally when they arrive, Jesus acts like he's gonna keep going on, until they invite him to stay with them.
There are several important analogies that David made...
The first was about different types of conversions. He made reference to the "road to Damascus" conversion, in which people have a huge epiphany and flashing lights, and see God that way. Then he talked about an Agrippa conversion (which I've yet to look up and figure out what he's talking about), which is led by logic, and 'deducing' God's existence, in a way. Finally is the Emmaus conversion, in which people just ... walk. On their own journey... in shambles about what life's about, or what they're worth. And somewhere along the way, they just start to recognize that Jesus is with them. And that struck a chord with me, because I think that's what my life's like. I don't have a certain day that I said the Sinner's Prayer, or whatever that's called. And I don't have huge milestone epiphanies. I just know that God's brought me through a lot, and is drawing me closer and trying to get me to just recognize Him.
That's enough for now... what a long day.
Oh, yeah - Rob also posed this question/challenge today, about knowing yourself, and having a balance between this demanding job and personal downtime. Knowing how you like to relax and stuff... So I'm going to the mall.

mental note. neat bookstore north of yonge & eglinton. ok prices, good conditions.

i passed through it today after an interview at pure+simple spa. it was a somewhat informal (read: disorganized) group interview held in a hot, cramped room. after seeing the spa and being there for a little bit, i think i'm going to decide on the job at evergreen. when i was taking a tour around evergreen with rob, it just seemed like a really fun place. they do a lot of really good work, just trying to give help and opportunities to others who dont get many breaks in life. i think i'll be working in the health clinic, doing health administration stuff like i've done before. plus, i can't very well work in a spa after i gave a scathing rant about consumerism to rob.
i shall call evergreen back tomorrow.

Tim_tim says:
hi bren
clara- says:
wrong daughter
Tim_tim says:
oh wrong one
Tim_tim says:
hi clara
clara- says:
hi dad

it's been three full weeks of being back home in toronto. three luxurious and frustrating weeks. i am loving that i get to sleep in, and eat whenever i want to, and go for walks. i really miss kimmy though.. going for walks with her and watching her plod around the hallway and sniff out where the treats are hidden.
i've applied to a ton of jobs and haven't gotten any callbacks yet, so i'm hoping and praying that they're just taking their sweet time going through resumes or something. in the meantime i'm spending time reading, cleaning, playing softball, and learning to cook/bake better. then in the evenings when my friends are done work, we can all go out and play. yesterday emzhei, olivia and i went to salad king for supper and did some shopping. liv bought a pair of spiffy aviators and a black tanktop with small polkadots that's almost avril-lavigne-esque. i got a red tote and new shades as well. emzhei bought a fabulous brown halter dress from rw&co, which she is going to debut at this year's monte carlo night.
in another three weeks i'll find out if i'm accepted to waterloo's optometry school. i really would like to get in, and i think this past term went well enough to still give me a fighting chance, so hopefully i'll have some good news to share in june. and after i find out what school i'm going to in september, i have to figure out where to live... my life is actually sort of in shambles at the moment. but it's sort of fun just not worrying or having to think about it, because right now, there is nothing i can do but wait.
tomorrow is my cousin caleb's 25th birthday. what is it with people and the fear of getting older? i guess it marks .. well, just the fact that we dont get any younger. things that come with age, hm... more change, more important decisions to make, more responsibility, decline in physical things like endurance or strength or recovery. things change as we get older, that's just the way life is. things are very different back here at home, from how i remembered them to be. there are lots of people at church that are new to me. my parents are always working, which was never the case before my sister and i went away to university. they dont even seem to have time for proper meals; my mom's very pleased in my new interest in cooking because it means she gets to eat homecooked food. my cousin drives michelle - who is now 16 but looks 19 - around now, buying her things and giving her advice on boys. the sens are still in the playoffs, something i never thought or hoped would happen.
i'm surprised and mostly pleased with where i've come to at this point. i wasn't sure i'd ever be able to make a decision about my future, my career. i've got my foot in the door in chicago, and i'm actually very excited to start optometry school. it won't be easy. i still can't see myself wearing a white coat and examining people and giving valid prescriptions, but i'm sure that will all change as well, in time. i also have embraced many of my friends and family again, who i'd unconsciously and unfortunately pushed away for a bit... who i love, who love me, who grow with me, and who challenge me, maybe without their even knowing it.
it's gonna be a good summer.

The Lovely Bones

I just finished reading The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold, and I'm not sure what to make of it. First of all, I don't think I like reading anymore nearly as much as I used to. I'm not really into the whole place setting and character development thing anymore.. I find myself surfing countless pages of text until I hit the next 'major event', and then going back to fill in the holes after I find out what's coming next.
The Lovely Bones is narrated by Susie Salmon, a girl horrifically murdered at the tender age of fourteen. From her heaven, she watches the lives of her family members and neighbours unfold: the futile police investigation, the estrangement of her parents from one another, the budding romance between her younger sister and a boy from school, the undisturbed existence of her murderer. In the novel, people go first to a simple heaven, until they have finally let go of the things on Earth that held them back and go to a more comfortable, wide heaven.
But for Susie and her family, the question is always How? How do you move on from a tragedy that changes the architecture of your family forever? how do you forget the name that stabs a father's heart every time it's said? how do you become... free?

"How do you make the switch?" I asked.
"It's not as easy as you might think," [Franny] said. "You have to stop desiring certain answers."
"I don't get it."
" If you stop asking why you were killed instead of someone else, stop investigating the vacuum left by your loss, stop wondering what everyone left on Earth is feeling," she said, "you can be free. Simply put, you have to give up on Earth."
This seemed impossible to me.

When wounds are fresh, healing seems impossible. But in the end, I guess it all comes down to a matter of time. The empty bedroom, initially left untouched, eventually became home for the lovely and loving Grandma Lynn. The leftover clothes, packed away in boxes in the basement, Susie's younger brother pulled out years later to make gardening stakes. With time, the unimaginable can become reality.
Time is something we all as humans are bound by. We all lose it at the same rate... never to be claimed again, and never to be gained, stolen, or borrowed, no matter how badly we want more of it (especially before an especially intimidating exam or demanding assignment). In the same way, we can't make it pass any faster than it does. We can't keep expecting results that only time and experience can bring about; we cannot will what we know or want into existence by sheer determination. I must not continually dress a wound that only time can heal.
I have to stop trying to skip all the pages. I have to live the place setting. Enjoy, experience, and endure the character development. And slowly, in its own time, the pieces of what's coming next will come together.

Quotes

Fun and funny quotes. And a guessing game!

"I sense a lot of tension..." -while playing Mafia

"I just realized that Taboo spelt backwards is 'Oobat'!"

"Well you have to be flexible so the guy can do all that crazy stuff to you." -on dancing

"Love is power. Math is power. But love is not math."

"Twenty minutes for tripping??" -on a penalty call at 18:48 of the 2nd period of the Habs-Leafs game

"Do you want to be alone with that??" -said to Pete and his popcorn

"I paid my cousin five dollars to suck my big toe. My mole toe too!"

"That's like, doing it with a really really fat ugly guy. Gross." -on becoming Sens fans

if my life were a movie...

At 28 I'd be living on my own in quaint, safe neighbourhood on the outskirts of a big city, in one of those Victorian townhouse-type things. The ones with all those stairs that lead up to the door so that after a date, the guy can walk the girl slowly up to the door as they both contemplate whether and how to go for a goodnight kiss.
By that time I would have figured out how to curl the ends of my hair with a blowdryer, and the only time I'd wear running shoes is at the gym. I would have a dog, something small, like a Maltese or a Shih Tzu... or a miniature Dachshund! And an enormous collection of shoes.
I would be engaged to the sous-chef at an elite downtown brasserie - someone good enough to be known for his mastery, but not already married to his job. The proposal was obviously something classic and cheesy like him cooking me a delicious and romantic meal at home and hiding the ring inside the food. We would regularly take walks in the park (with my dog of course!), and read and do crossword puzzles on a park bench under a big shade tree. He'd play in a men's hockey league once a week. I'd go watch his games of course, with a friend whose boyfriend also played on the team. Then afterwards we'd all go grab coffee and discuss world issues and places we'd like to travel.

Random

I finally got invited to interview for Pacific University's Optometry College. They sent me a letter and all sorts of useful materials regarding the campus, directions, where to stay, local restaurants, transportation information... They also sent me a certificate for a free routine visual exam at their university clinic! That's nice of them.. but I wonder why the deuce the expiration date is "1/2007", when I didn't even receive it till yesterday.

I've been going to ASL classes with Calla for the past couple of weeks. I can now tell people that I have a mother, father, a sister, and no brothers, and that my dog died. I can ask people if they're married or deaf, and tell them that I'm neither. I want to look into community classes for the summer, maybe... I also need a job this summer. :)

I have also renewed my love for baking! I've made two lemon meringue pies and one apple pie so far this term, which were quite successful. And by successful, I of course mean delicious. I really want a pastry blender now.

Claraism

This will forever be my favourite zoology lab moment. (We're not even halfway through the term yet, but this will be hard to beat... you'll see.) Every week, we have an oral lab quiz. This is what happened today, when I drew my question out of the bucket:

Question:
1. Name the class of this organism. (Snake)
2. Indicate the dermal layer of the skin.

The first question was easy. "Reptilia," I told the TA. "Very good," he replied.
Then he put down a slide in front of me, and I got to work setting it up in the microscope. I looked down through the lens, into the field in front of me, which was full of squiggly black lines. We had been studying red specimens, but I was unphased because we learned in histology that one should never be intimidated by colour of a stain.
I was confused though because I wasn't really sure what snake dermis looked like. I had just been focusing on the overlapping scales, which I thought I could identify currently, but they weren't really as jagged as I remembered. So I put the needle over the dark structure in the middle and tried to sound confident when I told the TA to look.
He peers into the lenses... looks back up with a puzzled face, and then down at the stage...
"DUDE, YOU'RE LOOKING AT GLUE."
(insert a moment for me to process what he just said)
He goes on: "Did you wonder why it's black and not red??"
Clara: "...Man, that explains so much."

Turns out I had focused the microscope on the glue that holds the slide cover in place. Hahahahhhahhhh.... at least I got to fix up the microscope and answered the question right in the end.

What's the catch?

This morning, I woke up before the sun was even up. It sounds more dramatic than it is, because the sun doesn't come up until about 7:30 these days. But it's Saturday, so why, you ask, would I be up so early? The answer is, today was the day of the community outreach pancake breakfast that my small group and I planned. I woke up bright and early, waded through thick snowdrifts to my car, laboriously scraped and brushed the snow off of it for five minutes, and crawled precariously along my way on the poorly shoveled roads. I picked up Evan, and we arrived at Zehrs Stanley Park fifteen minutes later (after accidentally entering the parking garage on the 'exit' side and being sternly reprimanded by the lady in another car).

The community meeting room was all set up with a tables for sitting and eating, and a long table for coffee, juice, syrup, and utensils. Rob had made up the pancake batter, and the pans were hot and ready for some intensive pancake making. Seven of us from small group were present, ready and willing to serve, but not quite knowing what to expect.

The doors officially opened at 8 am for people to come in and have free pancakes. Traffic was slow, though, save for those times when groups of employees trickled in on their breaks for some breakfast. A handful of shoppers came by as well. They all appreciated the warm (and of course free) meal, and many asked what the occasion was. Did we have a cause? Were we accepting or expecting donations? Our response surprised and likely confused them: no, we just felt like planning something nice for the community.

I can't say I'm surprised that people were skeptical about this gesture. To most people, the idea of receiving something for nothing is foreign, or even unheard of. Cynics might ask, what is even the point of acting generously? So what if some people got some free pancakes? We could have been raising money for a charity or creating awareness for a cause.

Our small group wrestled with this dilemma as well. Although we realize the value in fundraising, we thought there would be a greater significance or impact in the community if it was just plain free, with no strings attached. In a world where "there's no such thing as a free lunch", something as simple as coffee, pancakes, and TLC would be enough to put people in a much brighter mood. They may have a better day just knowing that there are people in the world who care about them. Or they might start do nice things, since altruism is contagious. So they start to let other cars into their lanes, they yell at or about other people less, they argue less with their family, and so forth.

So in response to the question, what's the big deal about a pancake breakfast? The answer is, we tried to make this community a better place. Even if just for a day, or just for a morning. We'll never truly know how we might have affected anyone's life today, but to counter those who are convinced that the world is going to hell in a handbasket, the solution is probably easier than we think: Just do something nice for someone. Things will go much better for all of us when we stop expecting something in return for everything we do for others, and it has to start somewhere.

I learned...

You can't take simple gestures for granted.
You have to take every opportunity to let people know they're appreciated.

You have to smile and laugh more than you cry.
You have to trust your gut, but trust more in God.
You have to be yourself.
You can demand the best, but you have to deserve it.
You have to plan for the future, but live in the present.
You just plain and simple have to let go at some point.

*smiles*