I just finished my second day at Evergreen Centre for Street Youth. At the moment, I'm not a happy camper. In general, I liked my first day and a half. But after an upsetting incident at lunch and upon starting to work in the health clinic today, I'm starting to face more of a struggle, just between... enjoying working at such a laid-back place, or finding it to be plain disorganized. Evergreen features a drop-in centre on the main floor, where youth come in to have some food and hang out. The staff can approach people just to talk and find out more about them, and play pool or foosball with them. When you go down the stairs, though, you enter a whole different world: there's the Employment Resource Centre, which help kids to find jobs and go through interviews, and counsels them; and the Health Clinic (where I will be), where health professionals offer their services, and some necessities are provided. So I guess it was just a shock going down there today... leaving the relaxed atmosphere of the drop-in centre, and entering the all-too-familiar sterile seat behind the reception desk. Trading in the skylight for glaring fluorescent lights. It's still pretty cool being around the street youth - listening to kids try to shock you with their stories, watching tattooed and pierced guys swoon over babies that are brought in. But I still feel like I'm at work. It's all too familiar.. the clinic, the charts, the exam rooms. Hopefully over the summer it'll become less stiff for me. I'm more used to the whole professional office setting, so I hope I'll warm up to this drop-in clinic soon.
What happened today that brought about my sour mood was the sailing trip. A couple of the staff organized a sailing trip for the youth, just something fun and free for them to enjoy. Obviously all the summer team were quietly teeming with jealousy, because the weather was absolutely gorgeous today, and we were promised lots of perks when we signed on. Derek was getting nervous because no youth were showing up. So near the end of lunch, Rob comes over and says, "Who wants to go sailing?"
Immediately, Steve and Deb jump on it. "Sure!" "I do!" I didn't respond, because I wasn't sure how many people would go, and I didn't want to seem too eager to ditch work. Rob said only one could go.. but in the end, they ended up taking both of them. I was pretty ... frustrated? I guess that's the best way to describe it. At first I was annoyed at the way they just volunteered so readily, I suppose I found it unprofessional. After all, this is a job, and we should be in the drop-in. Anyway when it comes down to it, I was just annoyed at my own reluctance, and inability to stand up for what I want. It was a fair game question - "Who wants to go sailing?" Of course everybody does. I do believe that Steve and Deb just answered honestly, and I made a snap interpretation of it as being overenthusiastic or whatever. And in the end, somebody had to lose out. I guess.. I don't really mind that I didn't get to go. I would've liked to, but... I knew I was supposed to start in the health clinic today.
Ultimately, I think we should have let Mika and Hanna go, since they're not from here, and they are still getting used to the language and aren't really able to interact with people in the drop-in. I feel like I am judging Steve and Deb sometimes, because I know that they are aspiring church leaders - pastor and minister, respectively. So I have to keep that under control.
Today we had chapel, and David shared from a passage in Luke, just after the crucifixion of Jesus. Pastor Ken used the same passage for the Recognize Easter series - the one where Cleopas and ... some other guy... Peter, maybe? They're walking to Emmaus, and their faith is just in shatters because they expected Jesus to be the Messiah and at that point they didn't think He was coming back, so they were in shambles about what they believed. But Jesus comes alongside them on the journey and talks to them, but they don't recognize him. And finally when they arrive, Jesus acts like he's gonna keep going on, until they invite him to stay with them.
There are several important analogies that David made...
The first was about different types of conversions. He made reference to the "road to Damascus" conversion, in which people have a huge epiphany and flashing lights, and see God that way. Then he talked about an Agrippa conversion (which I've yet to look up and figure out what he's talking about), which is led by logic, and 'deducing' God's existence, in a way. Finally is the Emmaus conversion, in which people just ... walk. On their own journey... in shambles about what life's about, or what they're worth. And somewhere along the way, they just start to recognize that Jesus is with them. And that struck a chord with me, because I think that's what my life's like. I don't have a certain day that I said the Sinner's Prayer, or whatever that's called. And I don't have huge milestone epiphanies. I just know that God's brought me through a lot, and is drawing me closer and trying to get me to just recognize Him.
That's enough for now... what a long day.
Oh, yeah - Rob also posed this question/challenge today, about knowing yourself, and having a balance between this demanding job and personal downtime. Knowing how you like to relax and stuff... So I'm going to the mall.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
mental note. neat bookstore north of yonge & eglinton. ok prices, good conditions.
i passed through it today after an interview at pure+simple spa. it was a somewhat informal (read: disorganized) group interview held in a hot, cramped room. after seeing the spa and being there for a little bit, i think i'm going to decide on the job at evergreen. when i was taking a tour around evergreen with rob, it just seemed like a really fun place. they do a lot of really good work, just trying to give help and opportunities to others who dont get many breaks in life. i think i'll be working in the health clinic, doing health administration stuff like i've done before. plus, i can't very well work in a spa after i gave a scathing rant about consumerism to rob.
i shall call evergreen back tomorrow.
i passed through it today after an interview at pure+simple spa. it was a somewhat informal (read: disorganized) group interview held in a hot, cramped room. after seeing the spa and being there for a little bit, i think i'm going to decide on the job at evergreen. when i was taking a tour around evergreen with rob, it just seemed like a really fun place. they do a lot of really good work, just trying to give help and opportunities to others who dont get many breaks in life. i think i'll be working in the health clinic, doing health administration stuff like i've done before. plus, i can't very well work in a spa after i gave a scathing rant about consumerism to rob.
i shall call evergreen back tomorrow.
Friday, May 11, 2007
it's been three full weeks of being back home in toronto. three luxurious and frustrating weeks. i am loving that i get to sleep in, and eat whenever i want to, and go for walks. i really miss kimmy though.. going for walks with her and watching her plod around the hallway and sniff out where the treats are hidden.
i've applied to a ton of jobs and haven't gotten any callbacks yet, so i'm hoping and praying that they're just taking their sweet time going through resumes or something. in the meantime i'm spending time reading, cleaning, playing softball, and learning to cook/bake better. then in the evenings when my friends are done work, we can all go out and play. yesterday emzhei, olivia and i went to salad king for supper and did some shopping. liv bought a pair of spiffy aviators and a black tanktop with small polkadots that's almost avril-lavigne-esque. i got a red tote and new shades as well. emzhei bought a fabulous brown halter dress from rw&co, which she is going to debut at this year's monte carlo night.
in another three weeks i'll find out if i'm accepted to waterloo's optometry school. i really would like to get in, and i think this past term went well enough to still give me a fighting chance, so hopefully i'll have some good news to share in june. and after i find out what school i'm going to in september, i have to figure out where to live... my life is actually sort of in shambles at the moment. but it's sort of fun just not worrying or having to think about it, because right now, there is nothing i can do but wait.
tomorrow is my cousin caleb's 25th birthday. what is it with people and the fear of getting older? i guess it marks .. well, just the fact that we dont get any younger. things that come with age, hm... more change, more important decisions to make, more responsibility, decline in physical things like endurance or strength or recovery. things change as we get older, that's just the way life is. things are very different back here at home, from how i remembered them to be. there are lots of people at church that are new to me. my parents are always working, which was never the case before my sister and i went away to university. they dont even seem to have time for proper meals; my mom's very pleased in my new interest in cooking because it means she gets to eat homecooked food. my cousin drives michelle - who is now 16 but looks 19 - around now, buying her things and giving her advice on boys. the sens are still in the playoffs, something i never thought or hoped would happen.
i'm surprised and mostly pleased with where i've come to at this point. i wasn't sure i'd ever be able to make a decision about my future, my career. i've got my foot in the door in chicago, and i'm actually very excited to start optometry school. it won't be easy. i still can't see myself wearing a white coat and examining people and giving valid prescriptions, but i'm sure that will all change as well, in time. i also have embraced many of my friends and family again, who i'd unconsciously and unfortunately pushed away for a bit... who i love, who love me, who grow with me, and who challenge me, maybe without their even knowing it.
it's gonna be a good summer.
i've applied to a ton of jobs and haven't gotten any callbacks yet, so i'm hoping and praying that they're just taking their sweet time going through resumes or something. in the meantime i'm spending time reading, cleaning, playing softball, and learning to cook/bake better. then in the evenings when my friends are done work, we can all go out and play. yesterday emzhei, olivia and i went to salad king for supper and did some shopping. liv bought a pair of spiffy aviators and a black tanktop with small polkadots that's almost avril-lavigne-esque. i got a red tote and new shades as well. emzhei bought a fabulous brown halter dress from rw&co, which she is going to debut at this year's monte carlo night.
in another three weeks i'll find out if i'm accepted to waterloo's optometry school. i really would like to get in, and i think this past term went well enough to still give me a fighting chance, so hopefully i'll have some good news to share in june. and after i find out what school i'm going to in september, i have to figure out where to live... my life is actually sort of in shambles at the moment. but it's sort of fun just not worrying or having to think about it, because right now, there is nothing i can do but wait.
tomorrow is my cousin caleb's 25th birthday. what is it with people and the fear of getting older? i guess it marks .. well, just the fact that we dont get any younger. things that come with age, hm... more change, more important decisions to make, more responsibility, decline in physical things like endurance or strength or recovery. things change as we get older, that's just the way life is. things are very different back here at home, from how i remembered them to be. there are lots of people at church that are new to me. my parents are always working, which was never the case before my sister and i went away to university. they dont even seem to have time for proper meals; my mom's very pleased in my new interest in cooking because it means she gets to eat homecooked food. my cousin drives michelle - who is now 16 but looks 19 - around now, buying her things and giving her advice on boys. the sens are still in the playoffs, something i never thought or hoped would happen.
i'm surprised and mostly pleased with where i've come to at this point. i wasn't sure i'd ever be able to make a decision about my future, my career. i've got my foot in the door in chicago, and i'm actually very excited to start optometry school. it won't be easy. i still can't see myself wearing a white coat and examining people and giving valid prescriptions, but i'm sure that will all change as well, in time. i also have embraced many of my friends and family again, who i'd unconsciously and unfortunately pushed away for a bit... who i love, who love me, who grow with me, and who challenge me, maybe without their even knowing it.
it's gonna be a good summer.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
The Lovely Bones
I just finished reading The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold, and I'm not sure what to make of it. First of all, I don't think I like reading anymore nearly as much as I used to. I'm not really into the whole place setting and character development thing anymore.. I find myself surfing countless pages of text until I hit the next 'major event', and then going back to fill in the holes after I find out what's coming next.
The Lovely Bones is narrated by Susie Salmon, a girl horrifically murdered at the tender age of fourteen. From her heaven, she watches the lives of her family members and neighbours unfold: the futile police investigation, the estrangement of her parents from one another, the budding romance between her younger sister and a boy from school, the undisturbed existence of her murderer. In the novel, people go first to a simple heaven, until they have finally let go of the things on Earth that held them back and go to a more comfortable, wide heaven.
But for Susie and her family, the question is always How? How do you move on from a tragedy that changes the architecture of your family forever? how do you forget the name that stabs a father's heart every time it's said? how do you become... free?
"How do you make the switch?" I asked.
"It's not as easy as you might think," [Franny] said. "You have to stop desiring certain answers."
"I don't get it."
" If you stop asking why you were killed instead of someone else, stop investigating the vacuum left by your loss, stop wondering what everyone left on Earth is feeling," she said, "you can be free. Simply put, you have to give up on Earth."
This seemed impossible to me.
When wounds are fresh, healing seems impossible. But in the end, I guess it all comes down to a matter of time. The empty bedroom, initially left untouched, eventually became home for the lovely and loving Grandma Lynn. The leftover clothes, packed away in boxes in the basement, Susie's younger brother pulled out years later to make gardening stakes. With time, the unimaginable can become reality.
Time is something we all as humans are bound by. We all lose it at the same rate... never to be claimed again, and never to be gained, stolen, or borrowed, no matter how badly we want more of it (especially before an especially intimidating exam or demanding assignment). In the same way, we can't make it pass any faster than it does. We can't keep expecting results that only time and experience can bring about; we cannot will what we know or want into existence by sheer determination. I must not continually dress a wound that only time can heal.
I have to stop trying to skip all the pages. I have to live the place setting. Enjoy, experience, and endure the character development. And slowly, in its own time, the pieces of what's coming next will come together.
The Lovely Bones is narrated by Susie Salmon, a girl horrifically murdered at the tender age of fourteen. From her heaven, she watches the lives of her family members and neighbours unfold: the futile police investigation, the estrangement of her parents from one another, the budding romance between her younger sister and a boy from school, the undisturbed existence of her murderer. In the novel, people go first to a simple heaven, until they have finally let go of the things on Earth that held them back and go to a more comfortable, wide heaven.
But for Susie and her family, the question is always How? How do you move on from a tragedy that changes the architecture of your family forever? how do you forget the name that stabs a father's heart every time it's said? how do you become... free?
"How do you make the switch?" I asked.
"It's not as easy as you might think," [Franny] said. "You have to stop desiring certain answers."
"I don't get it."
" If you stop asking why you were killed instead of someone else, stop investigating the vacuum left by your loss, stop wondering what everyone left on Earth is feeling," she said, "you can be free. Simply put, you have to give up on Earth."
This seemed impossible to me.
When wounds are fresh, healing seems impossible. But in the end, I guess it all comes down to a matter of time. The empty bedroom, initially left untouched, eventually became home for the lovely and loving Grandma Lynn. The leftover clothes, packed away in boxes in the basement, Susie's younger brother pulled out years later to make gardening stakes. With time, the unimaginable can become reality.
Time is something we all as humans are bound by. We all lose it at the same rate... never to be claimed again, and never to be gained, stolen, or borrowed, no matter how badly we want more of it (especially before an especially intimidating exam or demanding assignment). In the same way, we can't make it pass any faster than it does. We can't keep expecting results that only time and experience can bring about; we cannot will what we know or want into existence by sheer determination. I must not continually dress a wound that only time can heal.
I have to stop trying to skip all the pages. I have to live the place setting. Enjoy, experience, and endure the character development. And slowly, in its own time, the pieces of what's coming next will come together.
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