The Sacrament of Living.

This term in cell group, we've been reading The Pursuit of God, by A.W. Tozer. It's been challenging, both because of Tozer's style of writing and because of the content; each chapter brings new blessings and challenges. The very last chapter is about letting everything that we do, be done for the glory of God, and not separating our lives into "sacred" and "secular" compartments.

Let every man abide in the calling wherein he is called and his work will be as sacred as the work of the ministry. It is not what a man does that determines whether his work is sacred or secular, it is why he does it. The motive is everything. Let a man sanctify the Lord God in his heart and he can thereafter do no common act. All he does is good and acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For such a man, living itself will be sacramental and the whole world a sanctuary. His entire life will be a priestly ministration.

I like this excerpt because it sums up the mindset I've been trying to adopt this past term. I've been working on making my faith more real and transparent, something that encompasses my whole life. It's been really hard... I can definitely see the areas that are harder to submit. I've also been trying harder not to let my work define me.

I'll slowly post something about each chapter, that will hopefully keep me posting regularly for awhile again. Maybe after finals though!

The most annoying day ever.

Having the house and car to myself has been pretty sweet for the past week, with my parents in Europe and my sister in the Caribbean. However, things have been unexpectedly popping up to annoy the crap out of me.

1. The endless amount of laundry. I did three loads this week and there's still a basketfull. My grandma was a sweetheart and came over to help me iron, and finally I think I have most of my clothes ready and packed up to move to school.

2. An emergency dental visit. I discovered a giant hole in one of my front teeth that seemed to appear overnight. This was particularly bad because I maxed out my coverage under my dad's dental plan when I got two teeth removed last month. Thankfully I remembered that I was covered under the school's plan... there's no opting out this year I guess. I was able to squeeze in an appointment and I got it fixed up. And the retainer that I had made last week came in the same day, so I didn't have to come back to pick it up another day. It all ended up costing so much that I wonder if I should've gone into dentistry instead.

3. My inability to get keys to my new apartment. I wanted to start moving my stuff in today, but apparently I need to fill in paperwork to be approved for my new building before I can get keys. I had them fax me the forms so I have to fill them in and fax them back to the office by tomorrow in order to hopefully (fingers crossed!) get keys by Sunday! Or else I'll just have to hope my roommate can get keys and let me in... The other pickle is that I need a guarantor but all my immediately family is out of the country.

4. My OSAP documents are still not processed. I need money.

To balance out the crappiness, here are some good things that have happened:
1. Having my school dental plan.
2. My tuition payment going through on time. (I did that at the very last minute too...)
3. Going camping and treetop trekking on the long weekend to make the most of the gorgeous weather we've had.
4. Gorgeous weather.
5. Rooftop patio lunch and delicious ice cream with friends.
6. Having been in an ice cream shop where Bryan McCabe has been.
7. Catching up with my cousin over dinner.
8. Filling up at 125.9.
9. More fun weekend plans with friends to look forward to.

Marriage.

As a child, there are things that I took for granted would happen to me: puberty, university, and marriage. Disney movies make it seem so magical and romantic. Your husband will appear magically in your life in the form of a dashing prince, a brave rescuer, or a lion. The rest is all a big "happily ever after".
Now that the other two have happened, there's just the big M left to complete this holy trinity of life. But after more years of life experience, several reality checks, and now a few weddings under my belt, I find myself walking the thin line between "two is better than one" and "marriage isn't for everyone", because both are fundamentally true, and it could end up either way.
In any case, I definitely know it's not something to just take for granted or to take lightly, especially with the way many marriages carelessly end up nowadays. In 2000, the average age of brides was 31.7. So that leaves me about 10 years for something magical to happen :)


There are a few rules I know to be true about love and marriage: If you don't respect the other person, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. If you don't know how to compromise, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. If you can't talk openly about what goes on between you, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. And if you don't have a common set of values in life, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. And the most important one of those values?
Your belief in the importance of marriage.

The perfect day.

This morning I woke up at 9:30. It might have been considered sleeping in, but for the fact that I slept at 2:30. So no, I didn't really feel that rested. But no matter, I had places to go today, people to see.
I found out my sister had already left earlier in the morning to go to Buffalo. So, I was able to use her Metropass and save on TTC fare.
I got to Eaton Centre by noon in time for my appointment at the Apple Store. They took my Macbook in to repair the top case, which left me unencumbered while shopping for the day.
Jill and I had lunch together, and then walked around the Eaton Centre. The 'blow-out sale' at H&M turned out to be really disappointing, but Jill picked out a really cute dress for me at RW&Co.
Eventually, we wandered into Banana Republic, where I thought I'd just pass a coup d'oeil to see if the cardigan I'd been eyeing since May was still there. I found out that it was finally on sale... but they didn't have my size! I was about to cry, until a different idea struck me. Only a lineup and phone call later, an xs green cardigan was waiting at the Bayview Village store for me!
We then went back to Jill's brother's apartment to hang out and play Wii for a bit. Quarter to six, I got a call from the Apple Store... my Macbook was ready to be picked up! So I wouldn't have to be without my baby at all!
Jill and I went back to the Eaton Centre to get it, and ended up walking around a bit more until the mall closed. I decided to head back home to rest, and she could have dinner with her family.
My family had all gone out for the night, so I just made a small supper and read a bit. Now I am waiting for my ride to head to the Angka's for a night of movie-watching and nachos.


It was so simple. So average...how could he find perfection in such an average day?
Then I realized this was the whole point.

La reste de l'été.

I can't believe how quickly summer is passing by!
I came back to Toronto on June 18. I ended up becoming friends with the random guitar players from the hostel in Quebec City and hitched a ride with them back to Toronto (they were passing through on their way back to Guelph). Upon my return, there were mountains of laundry to attend to and lots of readjusting to do. On the 21st, I had a job interview at my church for a summer youth/children worker position and then attended a friend's bridal shower. The 22nd, I went to another friend's wedding. After the reception, I had to take off right away for Hamilton, where my work partner and I spent the night so that we could avoid traffic and get to Fergus by 8:30 the next morning. There, we spent the next ten days at a training camp run by Child Evangelism Fellowship, learning how to plan and teach Bible lessons and the gospel to children. The camp was pretty intense; they worked us hard! But at least now I feel more confident about teaching at VBS (coming up in two weeks). The chapel services also reminded me that this is God's work and not ours, so I'm really going to work at living more prayerfully.
So now I'm back to the 9-to-5 with half a summer left to enjoy!

Days left before school starts: 64

Hostel.

On Friday, Explore Session Printemps 2008 officially ended. We had a grand spectacle (yes, it's the same word en français) and a big fête, where we danced our little hearts out. Around 11pm we had a countdown to when we were officially allowed to speak in English -- and even with the animateurs, which was super drôle in some cases.
Yesterday morning my Chicouti-mère dropped me off at the bus terminal and I (along with a bus-load of other Explorers) were herded to Quebec City to go on our ways home. I planned ahead of time to stay in Quebec City for a bit with a girl from my class at L'Auberge de la Paix. a youth hostel right in Vieux Quebec. This being my first time staying in a hostel, I was pretty nervous, but so far it's been alright. My only complaint is that the bathrooms are extremely cramped and the faint smell of urine is slightly reminiscent of toilets in China. It turns out there are a few other Explorers here as well, which is a pleasant surprise.
Unfortunately it started to rain since yesterday and it doesn't look like there's an end in sight. I really want to go to the art museum today and see La Louvre à Québec...
But as it is, I'll just bide my time here in the hostel until I work up enough determination to brave the pluie, with my free coffee and anthology of French-Canadian poetry (pretending to be cultured), listening to the random guy playing guitar.

Days left in Quebec: 4

Le Québec me fait mal.

Just à-peu-près 8 more days until I go back home. It's sort of bittersweet to think that; I've been in Quebec for 33 days and counting, but it hasn't been very good for me.

1. During my first week in Chicoutimi, I started out with a small rash-like thing on my right wrist. I later got painful/itchy bumps on my feet and ankles, bilaterally. Then it appeared on my knees and the lateral sides of my thighs. It would be super itchy, and then hurt like mad when I scratched!
I saw the nurse at school (the most flightly person ever; I was so nervous) and she diagnosed an urticaire - hives. She gave me Benadryl and calamine and cream, and over the course of about a week, the skin symptoms subsided. She said the most likely cause was food-related and she advised me to cut eggs out of my diet, but I have since decided that the most likely culprit is the beurre d'arachides that I started eating on a daily basis since my arrival in Chicoutimi. Boo! I don't want to be a peanut kid!!

2. The mosquitos here can't get enough of me. I guess it's not necessarily detrimental to one's health to be bitten by mosquitos, unless it spreads disease, but it's insanely annoying. And they hurt too! While rock climbing, it was important not to let go of the ropes to swat mosquitoes, so it was like a feeding frenzy. At Tadoussac I also got eaten alive by the little moustiques, mostly on my head. I even found a little red welt right in the strip of scalp where my hair is parted. Bite count: 10.

3. I got some weird cold the weekend before last, that still hasn't really gone away. I've felt fine for several days now and I was always able to taste all my food (thank goodness) but my voice still sounds slightly like a man's.

4. I am eating way too much ice cream and pie here. A couple of my t-shirts are feeling more snug than usual. I went shopping at Smart Set today and I no longer fit into the size I used to. Their fault or mine?

So while it will be sad to leave Chicoutimi, I think it will be best for my health.

Our culture.

I chose to participate in the Explore program this summer to learn and improve my French. Here at L'École de Langue et de Culture Québécoise at UQAC, I am getting more than I bargained for, since we're also taught about the Quebecois culture. All it means is that they expose us to things we'd never otherwise know about.
Par exemple...We spent a couple afternoons learning traditional dances and listening to Quebecois music. There were two movie nights where they showed Quebecois films. I watched La Grande Séduction (★★★☆) and Gaz Bar Blues (★☆☆☆).
We were also required to do a project and presentation about something Quebecois in our classes. Some subjects covered by my classmates include Quebecois cinema, (contemporary) music, legends/fairy tales, le Cirque du Soleil (which was founded in Montreal), and the motto "Je me souviens". My topic was Le Rocket, Maurice Richard.
My prof will even sometimes deviate from teaching French grammar in class to explain Quebecois expressions and the way that people here talk, because he knows it's confusing and frustrating to spend all this time learning French and then going into the streets and hearing people speaking something totally different.
But grace à L'École de Langue, I've been able to appreciate that there's a history and richness to Quebec and to the Saguenay that is completely different from the diversity and multiculturalism that is characteristic of Toronto.

Quelques choses typiques de la région Saguenay-Lac-St-Jean:
☼ la tourtière - a slow-cooked deep-dish meat pie made with potatoes
☼ la tarte à sucre - sugar pie
☼ blueberry beer - la bière aux bluets
☼ fair-trade products - le cafe et le chocolat équitable. the place to be here is cafe cambio... en francais ici
☼ rocking chairs - des chaises berçantes
☼ outdoor activities - les activités en plein-air
☼ maple syrup - le sirop d'érable

Chicouti-key.

We have a system here in my Chicouti-home. We live in a bungalow with the back area converted into a hair salon where my mère d'accueil, Mado, works out of. My Chicouti-soeur and I only ever need to enter or leave by the front door. If Mado is home, the door is always left unlocked. But if she goes out, she leaves a key in the mailbox. The key is attached to a long shoelace, which she leaves half-hanging out.

I have no problem with this system. It means I don't have to worry about losing keys, and it communicates very clearly whether Mado's home or not. When we were newly introduced to it, I just made a mental note that it'd probably be really bad if the shoelace ever fell into the mailbox. But not to worry, I told myself, I'm sure that'll never happen.

Just past the midpoint of the program, last Friday night was the night of the "Soirée Québécoise" at school. I usually dread themed events, but I have to say that the whole thing was pretty cute and altogether enjoyable: we got dressed up in whatever "Quebecois" sort of getup we could find - usually just involving aprons, scarves, long dresses, or anything plaid; and then we were split up into families - Tremblay, Simard, Gagnon, or Bouchard - and spent the night dancing (traditional Quebecois dance, of course) and competing against each other in fun little games that the animateurs had planned.

Anyway after the soirée, I was pretty tired. I hopped in the minibus that would take me home (which was driven by the super hot animateur!!!). For some reason, everyone else in the minibus was not tired and hence would not stop talking. So by the time I got off at my stop, I was more than ready to hop into bed. I lifted the lid of the mailbox to retrieve the key and, as my luck would have it, the shoelace fell into the mailbox.

Now I don't know why people need to have such deep mailboxes. As far as I'm concerned, they need only be as high as the width of an envelope. But as it was, I couldn't reach the bottom of the mailbox where the key was now sitting. The box was securely fastened to the house, so I couldn't take it down, and it was too late to ring the doorbell and wake Mado.
In the end I broke a branch off of the tree on the lawn and managed to fish the shoelace out. I rarely mind being so little, but this was one instance in which it just really sucked.

Quebec thus far.

Things I have done:

1. Taken an overnight bus. I departed from Toronto at 12:30 am, and arrived in Kirkland at 6:30 am. The ride was so incredibly uncomfortable; I think I slept for barely half of it. But all for the sake of saving time...

2. Tried two signature Quebecois treats: tire à l'érable and queues de castors. Tire à l'érable includes pouring maple syrup onto snow, and then trying to twirl it around a popsicle stick. "Twirl" is a very bad word to use though - it doesn't actually work, because the syrup is still mostly molten; if they had said "mush", I probably would have had more success. The Nutella and banana beavertail was really good, but the original beavertail didn't really taste like much, and you can't stop thinking that it's deep fried and really bad for you as it's going down the hatch.

3. Braved unfamiliar public transit systems, both in Montreal and in Chicoutimi.

4. Met locals. So far: Frederick the barista from Van Houtte, and Kenny and Sam at La Tour à Bière. People here are really nice, and will sometimes join us for drinks. They'll often speak to us in English, so we get to hear what we probably sound like when we try to speak French, which often makes for a few laughs and good times.

5. Tried slacklining. It's like walking on a bungee cord wrapped around two trees.

6. Hung laundry outdoors on a clothesline. :D

Things left to do:

❏ Try poutine chez Monsieur Hot Dog
❏ Walk right down to the Saguenay shore
❏ Find the Rivière du Moulin Park

Days spent in Quebec so far: 16
Weeks left in the program: 3

Money.

It's a useful, objective tool for evaluating markets and value. If product A is more expensive than product B, it must therefore also be of higher quality and worth, right? Whether the quality of the product is actually better, or its brand name just demands more attention, the fact is that it costs more, and everyone knows it, and prices are the same for everybody. If my friend and I buy the same t-shirt, we'll both pay the same price even though I like it more than she does.
That's all good and fine for commercial products. But what happens when you need to choose between two options involving things without a price tag? What price can you put on spending time with your friends or family? Or on new experiences, on happiness?
That's the beauty of utility, that magical economic currency. A little more arbitrary and subjective, but that's also part of its appeal. It takes satisfaction into account.
Having to choose between OQEP and Explore was one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in a long time. Money was one factor to be considered, but in the end, I have to trust that there are more important things to appreciate.
I'm going to Chicoutimi.


Devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning. There's nothing in there about a salary.

No games, just sports.

Since the blood test in first year that discovered high cholesterol levels, I've been trying to be health-conscious. For awhile, I restricted my diet, cutting out eggs and cheese, and reducing consumption of chocolate. That did the trick in lowering my cholesterol back to normal, but I've made a resolve to do more cardio to delay any atherosclerotic action that might try to set in. I used to go to the gym once a week, but eventually I just gave up and made hockey my sole activity, with occasional trips to the pool last term.
Now that we're heading into summer, hockey is no longer a viable exercise option. I usually play softball in the summer, but I don't expect to be playing this year. Instead, I have decided to take up running. It's great cardio, and good for the bones.
Historically I've never been a fan of jogging; it didn't seem very fun, just running around with no destination or end in mind, except to 'get exercise'. However, after a couple of times this past week, it's starting to grow on me, for a few reasons:

1) It's such an easy and convenient way to exercise. You don't need to round up a group of people to play a game together; you don't need special equipment, or a specific arena or field. You start and end up right at your door. I like the Nike ad from What Women Want. Running is simple.

2) It's sort of nice to do something physical and somewhat mindless. As soon as you get your legs going, and get a nice rhythm, you can just turn on some good music and let your thoughts go. This is contrasted to hockey, where your mind is always on the next play and the game, and swimming, where you can't hear any music underwater.

3) People are nice to joggers. Last week, I ran past an elderly couple taking a walk, holding hands. They gave me a smile and a 'good morning'. Other joggers similarly smile and say hello as they go by. People standing around or walking on the sidewalks are also usually considerate and make way for runners (although part of it is probably that they just don't want to be run into). It's nice to start off the day being reminded that the world is not full of jerks.

Dig your well deeper.

from EG training with Bill Ryan, 2007/06/01

- causes of burnout -
• constant exposure to failure (your own, and others')
• urgency of the task
• constant vigilance/tension (ie. hyperawareness for potential situations; unresolved power struggle)
• irregular hours
• loneliness, alienation - from friends, family, church
• spiritual neglect

*CALLING... VOCATION*
If there's anything you'd rather do, go do it.

Exam q.

Clara:
a) was not aware that 126 exam was first, not 152.
b) doesn't straddle patients.
c) has two presentations to do by the end of the week.
d) doesn't have any wise words to blog about.
e) ALL OF THE ABOVE.

Tuesday's almost over, and I haven't forgotten to post. I just haven't got anything coherent to say about Tuesdays With Morrie, or my friends' impending graduations, or the looming exam period. I just want to enjoy myself until the weekend, and not worry about studying until... Monday. OK. And... go.

Family.

[Some] Reasons why my family is awesome
- my mom has fun with her siblings. I wonder what my relationship with my sister will be like when we're older.
- my sister pays for me. we went to eat ramen, and then to study at second cup, and she foot the bill the whole way. (maybe she'll keep paying for me even when we're older.)
- my dad is helpful. he played chauffeur while my mom and I ran errands, saving us valuable car-parking time and effort.
- my mom has good taste. I always end up taking her accessories and hoping she won't notice. (she always notices, but she never minds.) my latest acquisition: a pink cashmere pashmina.
- my parents joke with each other. they still fight, but they learned to laugh about it afterwards.
- my sister introduced me to hockey. she is coming to play on saturday, so we'll get to share the ice one more time.

but most importantly...
- they teach me. about everything. sports, technology, the finer things in life. about the Bible, about forgiveness, generosity. about love.


The fact is, there is no foundation, no secure ground, upon which people may stand today if it isn't the family. This is part of what a family is about, not just love, but letting others know there's someone who is watching out for them.

He is risen.

Anyone can be sentimental about the Nativity; any fool can feel like a Christian at Christmas. But Easter is the main event; if you don't believe in the resurrection, you're not a believer.
"IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN EASTER," Owen Meany said, "DON'T KID YOURSELF--DON'T CALL YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN."

Fear of aging.

My mom is an esthetician and a sales rep for Ingrid Millet skin care products. She spends her life helping women (and sometimes men) cheat the laws of nature, time and gravity, and doing so herself. She has even kindly pointed out to me that I'm starting to get wrinkles around my eyes.
In spite of her observations, part of me thinks I'll never actually be "old" because I always look 5±1 years younger than my age. My birthday is later than most of my friends and gives me the nice moniker "December Baby", and I have a sister and cousins who will always be older than me no matter how old I get. People fear the unknown, but getting older is not unchartered territory as long as there is always something going ahead of you.
We also fear missing out on the present, or not having enough time to do all the things we want... but if you know what you want, and go for it, then that should be no problem. Carpe diem, as they say.
I suppose I do fear the deterioration of my body and health that is inevitable with age. Already I find that I get winded after running short distances; I'm still sore a couple of days after a softball game; even the smallest papercut seems to take forever to heal. I prefer not to think about the myriad of health problems that I'm predisposed to and will be at increased risk for later in life.
And I don't want to be all wrinkly and saggy either. And that's where my mom comes in.

All young people should know something. If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it will happen anyhow. You have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now. Looking back makes you competitive. And, age is not a competitive issue.

Emotions.

Yesterday I had the best moment of my life. With less than a minute left in our last regular season hockey game of the term, I managed to sneak one past the goalie for my first goal of the season. It wasn't the game winner, and I'd scored before in previous seasons playing hockey... so what made this one so exhilarating? Playing with a new team I'd grown with for two terms, and wanted, in a way, to prove myself to? Having had two shots on goal, and hungry for what I felt I was long overdue?
When that puck feebly slid into the net, my bench erupted. They knew how badly I'd wanted it. My captain gave me a huge hug, and a row of hockey-glove-props awaited me. For anyone else, it might have just been another goal, or "good job" - it wasn't even a pretty goal. But no, not now. Nobody would deny me this one shining moment. And a year or two ago I may have just smiled and skated off, bubbling with joy. But last night I didn't; I had to scream at the top of my lungs.
For me, the problem is not about having emotions; it's about expressing them, and trusting people to care, to empathize, to understand what it means to me.
I was sitting around with a few optoms at lunch one time who were sharing their acceptance stories. When they got their letters, they were left speechless, or dancing around the living room, or crying on the phone with their families. Me? I checked Quest at midnight on a Friday, with my parents gone away for the weekend. So I called them, and they congratulated me... and I didn't know who else to call. I don't know why, but I even felt a little bit... embarrassed about being excited. So I just relished the feeling for awhile (after refreshing Quest a few times to make sure it wasn't a mistake), and told myself to get over and go to bed. (Of course I didn't share that story at the time.)
Morrie Schwartz tells Mitch to learn to experience emotions fully, and then to detach from them. I think I'm pretty good at that... so I want to work on sharing moments and emotions with people, and learning that sometimes needing a crutch is alright. So while other people are learning to skate on two legs, maybe I'll need that hockey stick to lean on a little more often.

Death.

"Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live." (Tuesdays with Morrie, p.82)

This quote made me think of the passage in Romans about being dead to sin and alive in Christ, and the Chris Tomlin version of the old hymn When I Survey the Wondrous Cross. Whenever I think that Jesus conquered death so that we may have life and live it to the full, I am left with incredible awe, and joie de vivre. This is promptly followed by a time of re-evaluation: am I living my life with a sense of urgency? What are my priorities? My perspective on life? As a bornagain Christian... eternal life has already begun.


When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride

See from his head, his hands, his feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down;
Did ever such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross;
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless Your name

Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were an offering far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all

Regrets.

There are a lot of dumb things I've done in the past, but I don't really chalk them up as regrets. After all, how was I to know better, unless I made the mistake first? I know that doesn't hold true for everything - you don't need to find out from first-hand experience that you shouldn't put a fork in an electric socket or run with scissors - but a lot of things in life only come by experience. Part of my mentality of having to experience everything for myself (curiosity is my biggest vice) may be due to a lack of role models or mentors growing up. But Morrie made a point in the book, that everyone needs a teacher. And better late, than never.

So what is a regret that I have? hrm...
skipping softball playoffs to go to Seattle.
oh, and mixing my alcohol at the Corneal Cup preparty. Just don't do it kids.